I've Been Thinking 'Bout You

Just thinking about readings for the wedding:

XVII (Cien sonetos de amor)

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.


I love the last stanzas. They might be better in Spanish:

Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,
te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:
así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera,

sino así de este modo en que no soy ni eres,
tan cerca que tu mano sobre mi pecho es mía,
tan cerca que se cierran tus ojos con mi sueño.

To any Alpha Gam friends who are coming to the wedding: You're readers. Plan on it. If you can't make it I will understand, but if you are going to be in Minneapolis on 10-10-09, you're in the wedding.

By the way, have I mentioned how much I miss Toronto lately? Not to say that I don't love Minneapolis, because I do. I love my roommates and my fiance and my family, and Minnesota will always be my home. But Toronto is my alma mater, the mother of my soul.

Someone asked me today exactly what it is, really, about Toronto that I love so much: I don't have an answer to that question. It's where I found myself. Toronto is where Lauren was born. Minnesota gets such short shrift; I was born here too in many ways! If I divided up evenly the pivotal moments of my short life, I don't think either side would win. So many influential times were split between the two places. But I miss Toronto in the way I would miss a lost limb. Toronto is, in every way, a part of my heart and my soul.

Which is why I love Ryan so much more when I mention Toronto and he says, "We're going to move there soon!" He knows how important that place is to me; he knows that half my heart lives there. Well, half my heart lived there, before I met him: he owns more of it now than any mere city ever could. We likely never will live there, though it is a nice dream... he knows that I love having that dream.